Yesterday as we walked around the medical center I said to Eric "I just love getting to spend the day with you, even when it's under these circumstances, I just love to be with you." At the beginning of this whole ordeal, before we really knew what we were dealing with or had told anyone, I was scared. Scared that this man that I love might not be here with me for all my days. I know that is selfish but the truth is that I'm just selfish. I knew that if this ended up being the absolute worst case scenario it meant that he would be with Jesus and no longer trapped in a fallen world with pain and sickness and I would be without him. The thought of outliving him had crossed my mind in brief moments other times in our marriage, not because of anything in particular but just because I think about all kinds of things randomly, and I would think "I don't want to imagine that, I sure hope I never have to live it." But now, as I sit in the waiting room as he gets his MRI, I'm not scared anymore, at least not of this situation. Eric has shown me such bravery, courage, and faith through all of this.
I used to get frustrated because I wanted Eric to lead me. Lead me in our marriage, lead me in our lives together, and lead me spiritually. Well guess what, he was and is. He is like his creator God in so many ways and one of them is that he can lead in a way that you might not notice. He didn't tell me not to be scared he just told me that he knew that God was in control and as you can probably imagine he said "and what can ya do anyway?" Can you hear it? He's probably said it to many of you as well. :-) So instead of worrying, which is my natural tendency, in the last few months I have had the pleasure of experiencing peace, the kind of peace that only God can give. On my own, I think I would have missed it, but Eric showed me how to do it. He showed me that when I'm scared, I can pray and then my friends and family showed me that even when I'm not praying they are.
Yesterday when the doctors got all mixed up and told us they needed to take 2 fingers instead of one and then left us in the room alone for the next 20 minutes, I wanted to worry, my mind started to go there, and I looked at Eric and he laid there on the examination table with his eyes closed. I didn't know if he was praying or just resting but I knew what I needed to do. I prayed that God would help us to have wisdom and peace no matter what the doctors came back and said. I was tempted to start a discussion with Eric about all the what ifs but I knew that would only take both of us to a place we didn't need to be so instead I just prayed. And when I calmed down I got up and went over to my wonderful husband and I hugged him. Then I walked around the exam room being goofy for a bit until the doctor came back and told us "only one finger" Relief and PRAISE!!
I love so many things about Eric and in this season I love it that he is leading me to find peace instead of fear. Thanks to an episode of The Office I have wondered a lot lately if other couples are as ridiculously in love as we are. It's hard to imagine but I hope that for all of you that read this that you are with your spouse or will be someday. I hope that when you are with them that you just love to be with them no matter what the circumstances.
Eric and I are perfectly fitted because God picked us for each other. Just another example of how He is a GREAT GOD!
Lord, thank you for the love that you have given to each of us to give to one another. Lord help me to be less selfish and more loving in all my relationships. Lord thank you for the partner you have given me to love in the covenant of marriage. Lord thank you for being love and loving us so much that although we don't deserve it you died so that we don't have to be separated from your love for all of eternity. Thank you Lord, Amen.