Thursday, September 8, 2011

I've been thinking.


Over the past couple months I've been thinking a bit about my cancer experience. Although I'm getting very comfortable with my new normal, to the point I almost feel like my 5 fingered right hand is the odd one out, there are times that I'm reminded that my left is not complete. It's kind of a joke at this point, a fun party trick of sorts. With that said, I'm starting to pull back from that mentality to some extent and it's for two main reasons.

First, there is always the chance that my battle isn't completely over. The same sort of thing could pop up again but for all I know a whole other kind of cancer could strike. It should be unlikely but of course I've considered the possibility of relapse. It's not something I like to dwell on of course, it's nice that recovery from the amputation is pretty much done and I really wouldn't mind not having to go through that again, survivable as it may be.

The second reason for pulling back a little on the more lighthearted approach is that I'm reminded often of people that had to go through much more severe treatments, lost more function, or lost their lives. It seems like I got off easy and in many ways I have. It seems like sometimes it's good to celebrate and enjoy that and other times a somber gratefulness is the way to go. Ultimately I'm able to be lighthearted about the topic because I've got hope that my life on earth is just a mist and that whatever physical ailments that arise aren't the end of the story. I hope that my outlook ultimately reveals that I really do trust that God knows what He's doing and I'm going to roll with it whether it looks good or bad to anyone here. I don't really know anything other than that, as much as I try to learn or understand. I am clay and am in the process of being used for something whether I realize what it is or not.

Of course this doesn't mean I'm not still going to have fun with this whole thing but it needed to be said that it's not all fun and games and I realize that. The next checkup is coming up soon so hopefully I'll be able to report more good news in a few weeks!

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