Eric with a C

Sometimes people survive. Sometimes sarcoma subsides. Ten years of testing. Surgical interjection. Physical therapy. Getting on with it. It's clear. The tests are clear. The implications of that aren't. I don't have any more scheduled check ups. Just come back if there are concerns... Cancer-related ones specifically (of course). So now... Eri? Now what? Better, smarter, more accomplished men & women than I have walked through those doors but aren't walking this earth today. I am. Now what? Gratefulness. Responsibility. Restlessness. Humility. The journey didn't end, just the ritual. Chances are that something will pop back up eventually but there's no sense lingering on that. I'll enjoy not having to pay for an MRI every year (or more frequently). I'll try not to squander this added bonus time. There's another person on the planet because the cancer didn't do what it could have. Now what? The specter...

Well folks, it was about that time again, it was time for my cancer check-up to make sure I still don't have it (the cancer). Two days ago I got a call from a very sweet sounding lady that told me that the CT scan that was on my schedule wasn't approved and therefore wouldn't be covered my insurance. She asked if she could have permission to cancel it, which I hesitantly approved. CT scans are expensive (everything medical is) and considering I typically haven't had them in recent check-ups I wasn't all that concerned about it. What was concerning was that it sounded like it was the insurance company that was making that decision by forcing my hand. I've been a pretty busy guy these past several weeks and the next couple days were no exception. I could take care of it once I got to MD Anderson. Granted this was much to the chagrin of my lovely wife who had requested I call yesterday... whoops... After driving into the ever wonderful Houston traffic I was at ...

I was just listening to a bunch of albums that I'd purchased but for one reason or another forgotten about. This one song came up and just struck a chord that resonated with me. The name and lyrics, as well as a video I just found by the artists explaining it further, is below. Although as far as I know, my battle with cancer is in a ceasefire, the line about cancer specifically caught my attention and given the nature of this blog, I had to share it. The sentiment in that couple of lines and the chorus is pretty much what was playing in my head and soul during the start of the cancer experience and these artists did a great job at putting it in music.  Miracle The One You Need by  Shane & Shane Every week I hear a story of a miracle And if I’m honest I’m tired of seeing none at all  I don’t need to see a dead man come alive  All I want is you to fill me up inside  I need You Lord Even more than the air I breathe  I need You Lord Right ...

The war with cancer looks different to different people and the outcomes vary as well. Apparently Zach just passed away. He says near the end of this video that he'd like to be remembered as "a kid who went down fighting, and didn't really lose..." Ultimately with something like cancer, that's about how it goes. Fighting comes in the form of smiles and hope and a wanton disregard for death as an entity of defeat. It sounds like this kid succeeded. Good job bro.

So 2012 ended as a cliff-hanger and 2013 started with a... "meh." Fresh off the news that for the first time in two years there was something of possible concern that showed up, I was given a shorter window between check-ups and in mid-January, we were back at MD Anderson . As you may recall, my initial diagnosis had been synovial sarcoma. This was nasty in that it carried high risk of metastasizing and a high recurrence rate. Although by the time of surgery they were leaning toward low grade sarcoma, the exact classification was never really pinpointed. All that to say, finding anything was a potentially very high concern and I was prepared for the worst. *Not* the ultrasound room... The tests included the same ultrasound and x-rays I've been getting for the past two years and they did again find the mass along my nerves. It took some work though. It was only visible from certain angles and it appeared to move around a bit as they pressed against the pa...

I don't know why but it seemed fitting that on the last appointment of 2012 there was a slight hiccup to the normal "all clear" with a small bit of something showing up in the ultrasound of my palm near some nerves. For a few minutes there they were talking about biopsy right then and there with a needle. As the potential concern was right around the most sensitive part of my hand I was not particularly excited. Luckily they relented and consulted with my primary physician, deciding to wait and monitor it. Upon reaching the actual meeting with my doctor later, she recommended continued observation with a smaller period between appointments at first to make sure it wasn't growing rapidly (if at all). Still somewhat unsettling, it was better than jabbing a needle in my palm. I was asked if there was any tenderness or pain in the area, of which, aside from what I'd consider normal bruises and natural side effects from a bunch of nerves that were separated in the...

Just say it out loud and quickly if you don't get it immediately... :) It's B9. ...'cause you like hearing whatever they thought they saw is benign...  Oh it's funny, just laugh. Your compliance is much appreciated. :)

Within this past week or two, along with the insane events of Black Friday, Cyber Monday, and general holiday sales fliers, I've gotten a number of letters from charities of various sorts. Some are the standards; the local food bank, the Salvation Army, and the Red Cross. Others are from missions organizations, child sponsorship charities, and cancer-related organizations. There are a ton of people in need. I think it was when I got a letter from the MD Anderson Cancer Research Center alongside some of the other requests for aid that a thought process got triggered. Should I donate more to an organization that hopefully has saved my life or should I donate to organizations that assist other needs? How in the world do we prioritize and choose between all the worthy needs out there? Is it ok that I dropped thousands of dollars (thankfully many more were covered by insurance) to save my suburban behind when that amount of money could have helped save numerous lives in an entire vill...

Testing... testing... The first cancer checkup of the new year is here (if we don't count the annual skin screening back in January) and so far it's been a breeze. Appointments that were supposed to last until 12:30pm actually wrapped up around 10:00am and now I get to sit around and wait for the appointment with Dr Lewis. I wrapped things up so quickly in fact that I got to the main building with the Chick-fil-a in it's cafeteria too early and they weren't serving yet. Nuts. They encourage playing dress-up here.  For now the periodic tests I get are just x-rays of my hand from three different perspectives, front and side chest x-rays and an ultrasound of my left hand and armpit. Pretty basic stuff. I'm sure I've mentioned it before but they use a warmed gel for the ultrasound which I'm assuming is probably the same stuff ladies with child probably experience in their appointments. It has as unique odor to it I'm still not sure how to adequa...

I've let the actual date I'm calling my "fingerversary" fly by a couple weeks ago but it has now been over a year since I became 1 guy with 7 fingers and 2 thumbs. So far the cancer last described as "Sarcoma: Favor low-grade" has remained absent and I am very grateful. Brea & I were actually at White Sands National Monument on the actual fingerversary and it was amazing. I overdosed on photography but what can you really expect at such a stunning venue? The other fingers are doing just fine, thanks for asking! They still talk about the missing Mr Middle but have become rather adept at getting on with daily life since his untimely demise. Halloween had them on edge a little bit as a prime haunting time but the only ghost sighting was the white plaster cast of my hand from before the surgery. Plans to carve a carrot and dress it to where it looked like a dangling, mostly severed Mr Middle never panned out which is probably just as well as ther...

People often talk about the "battle with cancer" whether it be winning or a loss but I feel like that terminology is a bit misleading. The fight against cancer is war. You do have battles within it of course, but it can come back and attack you in the same way or potentially come at you in a totally different location or category. The fight against cancer, for those that have just completed a "successful" battle is pretty much like the Korean War. There were sacrifices on both sides, what could be done was done, lines were drawn, and there is an uneasy ceasefire. You hope it stays that way and dissipates but every now and then you might get a skirmish (what's that mole?, what's causing those aches and pains?) that usually turns out to be nothing. Still, there's always that possibility one side might launch a full offensive. And now that I've got that thought out of the way, here's something just a little different. So what does a check-up...

Over the past couple months I've been thinking a bit about my cancer experience. Although I'm getting very comfortable with my new normal, to the point I almost feel like my 5 fingered right hand is the odd one out, there are times that I'm reminded that my left is not complete. It's kind of a joke at this point, a fun party trick of sorts. With that said, I'm starting to pull back from that mentality to some extent and it's for two main reasons. First, there is always the chance that my battle isn't completely over. The same sort of thing could pop up again but for all I know a whole other kind of cancer could strike. It should be unlikely but of course I've considered the possibility of relapse. It's not something I like to dwell on of course, it's nice that recovery from the amputation is pretty much done and I really wouldn't mind not having to go through that again, survivable as it may be. The second reason for pulling back a lit...

This was me at my last checkup and the diagnosis was clean. What's it going to be this time? So I got my results from yesterday's tests and they called me a fatty... sort of. The ultrasound revealed some "fatty lymph nodes" that are *not* metastatic. The chest and hand x-rays came back clean as well so... drum roll please... Eric without a C it remains! Brea & I waiting for Dr Lewis to give me the once over and proclaim my status. Same hand, just a different day. Kinda looks like a record in the left side ther doesn't it? I got the music in me baby. This kinda looks like an alien face winking at  me... creepy. ultrasound...